just wanted to get a post in before midnight because a decent part of me feels guilty that i didn’t much of anything done today with the web dev stuff. but i know a more decent part of me knows the truth: i did get at fair amount done even if there’s nothing tangible to come of it. there are things that can still hold the same weight, if not more, compared to a day where i actually shipped something or long-posted. and that matters, truly. sometimes, the weight of knowing that you got a ton done outweighs days that you can put on a literal scale. today was a very productive non-productive day.
spent most of the day doing life maintenance, cleaning my room, the apartment, and a lot of work on planning. i suppose that last one is why i felt “i didn’t even do anything” and then felt bad about it. because of all the things i had been planning today, i suppose a large part of me became very excited as what is to come and then somehow twisted upon myself to guilt-trip myself by taking that amount and pitting it against today’s whole lot of nothing.

another decent part of me today has been feeling anxious in a type of way that has really been making me frightened that i’m about to fall victim to my OCD for the umpteenth time. and because i felt this way since the moment i woke up, i spent the entire time waiting for a monster that never showed up to jump-scare me. and when that feeling is driven by OCD, that feeling of preparing yourself to be all of a sudden scared is monstrously ramped up to 11, shit, sometimes even 12! even right now, i feel like something horrible is just waiting to happen. i wish i had these types of moments more under control, or maybe that’s it right there? maybe wanting or needing control over it is where i’m going wrong? maybe that is the scare? hmm. this is a revelation i’m having as i type this…

i need to get back on my meditation wave.