last time i felt this determined towards an interest was when i was my interests towards playing music music, more specifically with guitar, fx pedals, dj’ing and and Ableton. always craving more no matter how much i didn’t understand about. i’m beginning to feel that feeling to double down in the face of a largely unknown now with Developing & Programming programming, more specifically as of late with Responsive Web Design.
albeit waking up far past noon today, it came at the price of catching up on sleep while going through another week or two long insomnia bout; so i’m not all that upset about missing most of the day. i began doing my first doled out amount of Anki flashcards, and, well, my heart honestly fucking sank as i nervously found to be confident about 3 of 19 cards. admittedly, my gut reactions wer: “fold; retreat to the gravity blanket fort” “call everything off” “i am a failure…”
old habits die hard. very hard.
fold. straight back to bed. blanket over head. cue the infinite thought loop of negative self-doubt/shame spirals. “you’re not worth anything” “give up” “you wasted your time” “you’re a disappointment” “you’re incapable. always have been; always will be”
oddly enough though, very soon, quickly, somewhere amidst that fog, my body and mind just wouldn’t accept the negativity. just straight up said, “NO.” to it all. and thank Baphomet that for such a resounding refusal, cuz the next thing i told myself was “fuck all that”.
and so i’ve decided to double down, maybe even triple, nay, QUADRUPLE down! however much the amount down, point is: i fucking refuse. i refuse to quit. and to quickly circle back to my music life, i have NOT felt this much of a burning desire with such a refusal to quit since that musician in me. and that alone was/is enough for me to take to run with it and keep going no matter what.
so then, next thing to do, i figured to snap me out of this self-doubt/shame spiral was to do the next best thing(s) to keep me afloat that have been allowing structure into my life as of late: fired up OCD.app. went through today’s check-in exercise with 1,000% honesty. clocked it. boom. done. next, do a guided meditation sesh with the Waking Up app. clocked it. boom. done. log today’s Life in Pixels mood – be honest: today felt hard. clocked it. boom. done. and, now after i catapult this post into the ether, i’m going to go for a walk around the apartment complex to further clear my head. all in all, feeling better. clocking it all. booming it all. finishing it all 👍🏽.
that “big decision” i lightly alluded to in the previous post, today, i am confidently thinking i know the choice i want to make. however, i am going to give it just one more full night’s rest to sleep on and decided tomorrow when (hopefully) i’m not in a full scale panic mode. i want to make this decision when i feel much more safe and aware of my surroundings – surroundings be it on a physical, mental, digital, astral plane, what have you. make that decision when i’m more grounded is all.
but oh hey! one positive thing that happened today through this hazy fog of a doubt/shame spiral is: cha-CHING! Twitch-payout! w00t w00t! this then in turn reminded me, “oh man, i haven’t streamed in a hot minute!” that changes ASAP! so, be on the lookout for a “study & chill” stream if not tonight, likely tomorrow at:
https://twitch.tv/guerz
the rest of tonight, i’m going to arrange a stream layout to ensure everything looks good enough to fire up next time i go live. this way, i won’t be wasting too much time setting up stream for whenever the next time i go live is. then I can focus more on creating engaging content, even though it’s a pretty low effort stream to set up, i still cannot help my OCD tendencies to get in the way of it all. so best to set all that up now, beforehand.
next thing i’m going to work on tonight just to keep the momentum churning and active is: work more on blogguerz. one of those a-HA moments finally happened last night when more things clicked about WordPress: i finally figured out the whole deal with templates. THIS is the reason and the area i need to work on to improve more customization, more specifically what each post page looks like. this unlocked moment cascaded a well spring of imaginative creativity that i’ve been yearning to discover! so i’m super pumped about all that.
and finally the other thing i’m going to work on tonight: updating the context and (possibly) the top-down layout of guerz.lol. at the very least, i want to update the context to reflect more accurately where i’m at in my web dev journey making it more intuitive and user-friendly.
sooo yeah, all in all, as frustratingly defeatist as the first half of my day was. i’m glad to have some time to relax and recharge. Tomorrow’s a new day, and I plan to tackle everything with fresh eyes, fresh energy, fresh mind. did today initially feel like failure? yes. but in these trying times, what’s important is remind myself the quote that helps me best to get through the fog; persevere and keep pushing forward:
“failure is never the end; it’s is just more data.”
current mood: 😌 hopeful; at peace
currently listening to: