lost. straight up drowning. crippling fucking anxiety. learning disabilities i’m still figuring out the shape of, and a default setting to defeatism that never asks permission before it kicks in: bedridden to my gravity blanket form.
and while i’m already down there kicking my own teeth in, my mom decides to pile on. “you’re not trying hard enough.” “you ALWAYS do this.” and then, my personal fucking favorite: “you need to stop being so angry.” try that one sometime. say it to someone’s face, mid-anger, verbatim, and watch how well that goes over. it doesn’t defuse shit. it never has. all it does is confirm that nobody’s actually listening, they’re just waiting for their turn to talk.
but here’s the part that actually guts me. i spent 8 weeks apparently learning all of this material. i’m putting “apparently” in quotes on purpose because when i open the fucking Anki deck, i draw a complete blank. total, soul-crushing blank. and if that’s the case, then what the fuck was the point of the last 8 weeks? i covered it. i hand-wrote the notes. i built a whole goddamn highlighting format for it. and none of that’s there when i actually go to reach for it. that’s not laziness. that’s not “not trying hard enough.” that’s the learning disability, plain and ugly, sitting right where i can’t ignore it anymore. maybe a a preliminary approach would be to go through all my notes from the very beginning and highlight main points. and create a shortlist of what all is of value and importance.
so. moving forward, cuz marinating in this feeling forever isn’t the move either, tempting as it is some days.
gonna lean on the shit that’s actually worked before: OCD.app check-in, a walk, some bending/stretching/light yoga, meditate, then another walk after. bringing Raquelle along this time too, cuz she needs more entires and my irl journal — figure i’ll write something in the playground once i’m actually out there instead of stewing in my apartment.
soooo yeah, that’s the plan the second i launch this into the ether. one step at a time. one small will, trying its damndest to ignite a full-scale revolution of self.
ttyl ^_^
current mood: 🧭 lost, but finding my way, one destination at a time
currently listening to: