motivation, confidence, drive, all of it, gone in one shot, like a fucking light switch i haven zero control over, and the thing that flipped? it was a fucking certification exam anxiety.
i started my top-down review of the freeCodeCamp (fCC) Responsive Web Design (RWD) cert, feeling good going in, wanting to walk into that exam and pass with at least 80% and not think twice about it, but the deeper i got into the HTML and CSS review sections, the worse it got all got. it wasn’t just a handful of weak spots — it was a litany of them. cue self-doubt spral; pressure point after pressure point after pressure point, each one landing like a gut check after having already completed the entire fCC RWD coursework. like, i did the thing. i finished it the thing. yet here i am. reviewing and finding out how much of it apparently didn’t stick. and i hesitate to blame it on my adhd disability, but it’s hard not to. it’s difficult to find the apt words to describe such a frustration of going over material, highlighting notes. failing to recall the proper answers to end sections’ review questions. completely devastating blow to of an inability to recall what i what i literally read, “apparently learned” moments prior…
so naturally, i went to Anki for their flashcards to to fix that. and Anki lo and behold, it all instead fucking absolutely wrecked what confidence i had very little confidence i had barely left. building the deck meant confronting exactly how much i didn’t actually retain, card by card, until it mounted up to 201 flashcards. two-hundred-and-fucking-one. what a fucking ginormous fuckingnumber to stare down the barel of an Anki gun.
that’s when the spiral really kicked in. “what the fuck am i even doing?” “am i in over my head?” “i don’t think i will ever be able to accomplish THIS.” “why the FUCK did i even start this, ANY of this, in the first place.” “this is just another thing i’m gonna fail at. like i fail at everything. disappointing everyone. especially myself… yet again.” surprise, surprise. and there it is once again; that’s the fucking loop. i know that fucking loop. i’ve written about that loop before. and it still hits like it’s brand new brand-new devastation every. damn. time.
but then… out of nowhere, something deeper in me said “fuck all that.” and the next move was: buckle down.
imported all 201 cards into Anki. stared down that number, scary as it is, intimidating as FUCK honestly. but for whatever reason, instead of collapsing under it of my usual default of inability to accomplish anyting, my brain landed somewhere else:
we fucking got this.
however long it takes to get through the deck, however many days of review it demands.ss after that — worth it. bafflement or not, i’m making for damn fucking sure it’s worth it.
so — bringing back the “study and chill” streams on Twitch. come through, say hello, vibe to the music while you study or just vibe to the music because it’s good music. i’ll be there most of it. still fundraising. still fighting off imminent eviction. little bit helps more than you’d think; more than you’d know. setting up OBS right now, should be live within the hour — keep an eye out.
https://twitch.tv/Guerz
i don’t fully know why this endeavor refuses to let me quit, and quite frankly i don’t care what the reason is. all i care about is that it’s a burning desire that refuses to lose its flame, and i’m gonna burn on. i’ll keep pushing forward no matter what.
sooo yeah, follow the space for more updates. wish me luck. i will keep fighting until i succeed. stay tuned for the next chapter in my journey.
one final thing: some of of you who have been following may know that i have also had aspirations of Digital Cinematography studying at Full Sail University. However, I had come to a decision to drop that goal in my life for the time being. maybe pick it up again once my life settles more. but with my Web Developer and Programming apsirations, i have ultimately decided to narrow my focuses in a way that only Ron Swanson from Parks & Rec has worded it best:
“Never half-ass two things; full-ass one thing”
current mood: 😤 aspirational
currently listening to: