it’s late and i’m still up. of course i’m still up.
the insomnia doesn’t give a shit about how tired i am, it just keeps the lights on in my head with nobody home. and tonight it’s worse than usual because i’m pissed. not sad-pissed. not tired-pissed. actually fucking furious, the kind where you can’t sit still and you can’t work and you can’t do the one thing that would help, which is rest, because the anger won’t let you.
so here’s me. up. wired. angry. and if you’ve got time — if you’re reading this and you’re awake too — come sit with me. i’ll be on the stream.
https://twitch.tv/guerz
i’m not gonna pretend i’m fine or put on a show. i’m just gonna be here, kind of a mess, trying to come down off it. if you want to talk to me or just keep me company while i do, i’d take that. no pressure. i’m just saying the door’s open.
today could’ve been a good day. it could’ve been spent well. instead somebody in my line of coaches fucked up, and the whole thing came apart.
here’s what happened. i sat down to run my Anki deck and i didn’t stop. i ground out fifty-five cards in one sitting. nine hours. rated every one of them honest — again, hard, good, easy — did the reword pass, did the full pass, the whole ritual. and at the end of nine hours i had a stack of cards and not one single thing built. no project touched. no code written cold. nothing that would’ve actually put the knowledge in my hands instead of just on paper. i burned a whole day proving i could grind and learned that grinding doesn’t fucking teach you anything. building does. i knew that already. that’s the part that stings.
the gauntlet was supposed to protect me from exactly this. forty-five minutes of Anki, max. then build it cold. then touch a freeCodeCamp project. that’s the whole point of the cap — so a bad night doesn’t eat the whole night. and it got blown right past, and here we are.
so somewhere in the wreckage i said fuck it and decided if i couldn’t sleep and couldn’t study i’d at least fix the site that had been broken for two days. and christ, what a hole that turned out to be.
guerz.lol would not deploy. every file on GitHub was correct — i checked the raw bytes, the new site was sitting right there in the repo — but the live domain kept serving the old dead version. counter, mood row, three-module roadmap, all the shit i’d already killed. it took layers to unbury it:
- a stale GitHub Pages build serving an old cached version
- a 301 redirect loop caching itself on GitHub’s edge
- a leftover CNAME file in the repo generating that redirect
- and underneath all of it, Porkbun still pointing the domain at its own parking server instead of GitHub
four separate problems, each one hiding the next like some cursed russian doll. i killed the CNAME file. i tore out the parking records and put in the real GitHub A records and the www CNAME. i re-linked the custom domain. and then — finally — “DNS check successful.” green check. HTTPS enforced.
it’s live. guerz.lol. the new build. six-module roadmap, new favicons, no visitor counter, none of the old ghost. i confirmed it byte by byte. it’s actually fucking up.
so that’s the day. i fixed something real and hard, and it cost me a whole night i wasn’t supposed to spend, on top of a whole day i already wasted grinding. the win and the loss are stapled together and i can’t pull them apart. i’m proud of the deploy and i’m furious about everything around it, all at once, and i still can’t sleep.
but the site’s up. that part’s true no matter how i feel about the rest of it.
come hang if you’re around.
current mood: wired, furious, and weirdly a little proud
currently listening to: