today was the absolute fucking WORST so i’m smoking a full joint to the face about it to prevent me from punching a few dozens holes more in my walls 😡
i’m writing this on a walk because if i stay still i’m gonna lose my SHIT entirely. i stupidly set myself up with a FORTY-FIVE minute Anki flashcards study block. now for those new here, i have rampant ADHD. so i get into the flashcards until what felt like an enternity had passed. it was SIX FUCKING MINUTES IN! ugh, kill me in a video game. i was already fried and FURIOUS. also, get this! it turns out i had been mis-rating ALL cards this whole week by peeking at my notes to clarify an answer then proceeding to marking the flashcard “good” anyway, so the whole fucking deck was GARBAGE. UGH. so then, nuked it; we reset it. started fresh. and still could NOT push past SIX FUCKING MINUTES before everything felt pointless and i wanted to scream…
then came the flexbox cold build. no notes, just “build it from memory.” except Bonnabelle(aka Claude) didn’t give clear instructions, just “go build x.” my brain seized up. i spiraled harder. felt like i was failing, like nothing was sticking, like Bonnabelle was useless and i fucking wasted money on something/someone who couldn’t teach me shit. and she was right to get called out — the instructions fucking sucked. trash.
but here’s the thing: i actually built it. NO notes, NO cheat sheet. flexbox layout, three boxes, space-between, center-aligned. it worked on the first try. and i didn’t even realize that was a win until after i’d already raged about it 😔
i am FURIOUS.
i am EXHAUSTED.
i am HOMELESS-ADJACENT/IMINENT…
and running out of runway…
and today felt like proof that i can’t do this…
that web dev is too hard…
that i’m too broken for this to work…
that i’m too broken for anything to work..
but the flexbox thing — that was real. that was skill.
here's the thing: i stream on twitch 24/7 twitch.tv/guerz
- music to study to
- code sessions
- genre-fluid dj sets
- whatever
stop by and keep me company. or at least be so kind as to keep me tabbed up, please. request some music. and hey! if you type “blogguerz” in the chat, i’ll throw you a FREE song 😉 it’s the least i can do!
i need help. if you can donate, please. i’m facing homelessness and i cannot learn web dev from the street. i’m not asking for charity forever, i do solemnly promise to pay it forward, pay it back, whatever! right now tho… i just need to not lose my housing so i can finish this roadmap… 🥺
oh last thing! check out my new guerz.lol v4.0! it has a light mode AND dark mode! and it looks super pretty on mobile! i’m soooo fucking proud!! only issue, you can sign the guestbook and i encourage to do so. but something is broken in that it’s not showing what is entered on the guestbook after submitting. however, i AM retrieving the data via formspree. if anybody has any idea on how to help me with this issue, i’d appreciate that! but yeah, peruse the site, let me know what you think, good AND bad so long as it’s constructive! ^_^
sooo yeah, gotta get back to studying, please, please come stop by twitch.tv/guerz and say what’s up and don’t forget to type “blogguerz” for a free request! looking forward to seeing you there! See you there! Don’t miss out on the fun. Hope to catch you soon!
take care and stay awesome! and give guerz.lol some traffic! Thanks for your support! every visit counts!
— EDIT (later that day):
so the thing that had my fuse lit all day: my mom.
here’s the pattern, and i finally said it out loud to her face today. anytime i exude even a flicker of happiness, she needs to snuff it. a snide remark, a “you’re being annoying,” a fake fact about why i’m wrong to feel good. today she called me a lunatic. verbatim. she’s told me before i belong in a loony bin. i do a vocal stim — because i’m ADHD, because that’s how this brain works — and i get “shut the fuck up” and a slammed door and another round of you’re crazy, you’re making me miserable, you’re the annoying one.
preaching to the fucking choir, mom.
she’s the miserable one who can’t stand other people being happy in her presence, so the defense mechanism kicks in: cut everyone else down to her level. misery wants company. i’m done volunteering.
so i took a walk to burn off the steam, came back into her room, and told her she was going to hear every word. that the toxic shit stops now. that “it’s just a joke” is the oldest cover there is — when a joke is mean-spirited and ill-willed, it’s not a joke, it’s a jab with an escape hatch, and it still cuts down someone’s character.
i told her: i’m 38. i spent 37 of those years masking, lying, putting on a face so you’d stay neutral and not pissed at me. and the kicker? every time i’m just being normal — being myself — that’s exactly when i get talked down to and told to shut the fuck up. so the mask never even worked.
this whole past year i’ve been clawing my way back to happy. and every time i show it, she points a fake finger at why i’m wrong for it. i say something gleeful and it’s met with rage.
it’s not my problem. it’s hers. i’m not fundamentally flawed. don’t try to change me for who i am — you’re the one with the flaw, so you fucking change it. you’ve already done step one: you know you’re miserable. now do something about it instead of blaming the entire world.
her response today? not “i’m sorry.” just “i’ll try.”
we’ll fucking see…
current mood: 😰 worried af
currently listening to: