when i woke up today, it was one of those days where you wake up already fucking drained.
not just sleepy.
heavy.
the kind of tired where it feels like you already burned through all your energy before your feet even hit the floor. like you’re spawning into the day with half a health bar and no potions.
i slept through most of the day.
not because i didn’t care.
not because i was being lazy.
i just could not get moving.
the background hum
lately i’ve been wondering if the 24/7 stream has something to do with it.
twitch.tv/guerz
i genuinely love having it running. i love the community that’s forming around it. but even though i don’t have to sit at my keyboard every second, i think there’s still a part of my brain that’s always aware it’s there.
it’s like having a browser tab that never fucking closes.
there’s always something running in the background, slowly draining power. maybe not enough to notice in the moment, but enough that after a while your battery is just… dead.
i’m not saying it’s the cause.
i’m just starting to wonder if that constant background activity is more mentally draining than i realized. maybe i need to stop the 24/7 stream for a bit and see if that changes anything. i honestly don’t know. i’m just trying to figure out why i’ve been feeling so fucking exhausted lately.
the eBay mini-marathon
by the time i finally got moving today, i already felt like i was playing catch-up.
then came the eBay listings.
nothing glamorous.
just sitting there, one book after another.
- photos
- titles
- descriptions
- pricing
- condition
- repeat.
over.
and over.
and over.
it took fucking forever.
it felt like walking through mud.
every time i finished one listing, there was another one waiting for me.
but…
we finished every single listing.
every.
single.
one.
and honestly, that felt really fucking good. i’ve been staring at that pile for days, and now it’s gone. finally.
Anki flashcards
then came the next mountain.
Anki flashcards.
honestly?
i fucking hate them.
not because they’re bad.
not because they don’t work.
because they’re mentally exhausting.
every single card feels like i’m wrestling my own brain just to remember one tiny piece of information.
there was a point where i kept trying to negotiate with myself.
maybe i should only do five minutes.
maybe fifteen.
maybe forty-five.
maybe none at all.
it wasn’t really about the time.
it was the mental resistance.
that overwhelming exhaustion where even thinking feels expensive.
the funny thing is, we actually got through one concept today. relative versus absolute positioning finally clicked, and it only took about a dozen different explanations and a chair analogy before my brain finally went, “oh… that’s what the fuck you mean.”
sometimes that’s all you get.
one concept.
one little victory.
and honestly, i’ll take it.
something finally fucking clicked
somewhere in the middle of all of that, something clicked.
i’ve been trying to figure out how i want to organize my programming projects, because i don’t want to just keep making random little practice projects that disappear into some folder never to be seen again.
today i finally settled on it.
no more random tutorial projects.
everything i build from this point forward becomes an instructional project.
- cold build instructionals
- FCC (freeCodeCamp) instructional projects
the cold build instructionals will be projects i build completely from memory. no tutorials. no copying. just whatever i can remember. then i’ll document the whole process so somebody else can learn from my mistakes.
the FCC instructional projects will follow the same philosophy, except they’ll be centered around the freeCodeCamp curriculum. instead of quietly finishing a project and moving on, i’ll explain what i learned, why i did things the way i did, and hopefully make someone else’s learning journey a little easier.
every project gets finished.
every project gets uploaded.
every project gets pushed to GitHub.
every project gets documented on guerz.lol.
no more unfinished shit collecting dust.
no more “i’ll upload it later.”
ship the fucking thing.
then move on.
that realization alone made today worth it.
closing thoughts
soooo yeah…
today wasn’t productive in the way i imagined it would be.
it wasn’t clean.
it wasn’t smooth.
it wasn’t disciplined.
it was staggered.
it was frustrating.
it was full of stops and starts.
but sometimes that’s what showing up actually fucking looks like.
sometimes showing up means sleeping way longer than you wanted.
sometimes it means dragging yourself through an eBay mini-marathon.
sometimes it means arguing with yourself over Anki flashcards.
sometimes it means finding one good idea at the very end of an exhausting day that otherwise felt like a complete waste.
today wasn’t perfect.
it sure as fuck wasn’t pretty.
but it moved me forward.
and honestly…
some days, that’s enough.
current mood: 🤪 mr mcsillypants
currently listening to: