today has honestly been one of the roughest days i’ve had in quite a while. i’ve been carrying around a backbreaking amount of anger mixed with depression, and it’s made it incredibly difficult to focus on anything. everything feels heavier than it should. even simple tasks feel exhausting. i’m trying my best to keep moving because sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to solve anything, but today has definitely tested me.
the Anki nightmare
my biggest battle today has been Anki. Bonnie built me 201 Anki cards, which i genuinely appreciated because i know she put a lot of work into them. then i found out they could have been made easier. the problem is… i’ve already handwritten around 80 of them. so now i’m sitting here wondering if i just spent hours writing cards that could have been much simpler to learn from. and what makes it even more frustrating is that every three cards is the same fucking card. seriously. it feels like i’m reviewing the exact same concept over… and over… and over again. i’m putting in the work. i’m handwriting the cards. i’m reviewing them every day. i’m staying consistent. but it still doesn’t feel like the information is actually sticking. right now it honestly feels like it’s going to take four or five months before any of this finally clicks, and that’s a really discouraging feeling. if anyone out there has experience with huge anki decks or has study techniques that helped information finally stick, please let me know. i’m genuinely all ears because right now this has been an absolute nightmare.despite everything… there were still wins
even though i’ve felt like complete garbage mentally today, i still managed to make some progress, and i’m trying really hard not to overlook that. i completely rebuilt my instructional builds. instead of being really plain and barebones, they’re now much more detailed and explain why something is being done instead of simply telling you what to do. i think they’re going to be much more useful moving forward, not only for me but hopefully for anyone else trying to learn the material. if you’d like to check them out, you can find them here:guerz.lol/projects.htmli also went back through the freecodecamp “build a magazine” project and rebuilt the entire thing with instructional notes added throughout. i didn’t just complete the project—I rebuilt it in a way that’s actually useful to come back to later.
still moving forward
i’m streaming right now like i always am, even though today has been mentally exhausting. after i’m done writing this, i’m planning on getting another 10 books listed on ebay.they’re small wins, but i’m learning that small wins still count, especially on days where your brain is trying to convince you that you’re accomplishing absolutely nothing.ebay.com/usr/nickguerz
something to actually look forward to
today wasn’t all bad. we’re finally getting new internet installed, and i’m honestly excited about that. it’ll be nice to have one less thing to fight with while i’m streaming. i also just got off the phone with my psychiatrist to get my Adderall refill taken care of. while we were talking, we discussed Spravato treatment, and he went ahead and submitted everything for pre-authorization. i’m genuinely hopeful that it gets approved. if you’ve been following my journey for a while, you already know depression has been something i’ve fought for a long time. today has been one of those days where it felt especially heavy, so having something new that might actually help gives me at least a little hope.soooo yeah…
today has been one of those days where it would’ve been really easy to quit. instead, i studied. i improved my projects. i’m streaming. i’m going to get more ebay listings finished. and i ended the day with a little bit of hope that things can get better. that’s enough. if you’ve got any advice on making anki less painful, i’d honestly love to hear it. thanks for readinthanks for tuning in if you can.
twitch.tv/guerz
current mood: 😣 Drained. Angry. Depressed. Cautiously Hopeful.
currently listening to: