it’s been almost a week since i last posted here and a LOT has happened, so let’s get into it.
first, the actual milestone: i finished all the coursework for the fCC’s responsive web design certification every workshop, every lab, every quiz, the whole css review, the whole html review — done. all that’s left is the exam itself, and i’m planning to sit it this weekend. first attempt, and if the universe is even a LITTLE kind to me, my only attempt, because fCC makes you wait 168 hours between tries and i would genuinely like to not think about box-sizing again for a little while after this.
so that’s where most of my week actually went: cramming. day in, day out, printing out review notes and highlighting them like my life depended on it, running mini tutor scripts through chatgpt and codex for anything that didn’t stick on the first pass. i’m still working through the last few now. it’s been intense, but weirdly good intense. the kind of focused that doesn’t feel like burnout yet — though insomnia has been running its own little side quest all week, and last night (really this morning after sunrise) it finally won a round. slept through most of today. so the exam slides to saturday or sunday, and that’s fine. the buffer exists for exactly this. i’m a week ahead anyway.
and then, because nothing can ever just be simple, i discovered i had accidentally been running git out of my home directory. like — not my project folder. my entire. home. folder… for who even knows how long. it had ballooned into something eating half a terabyte of my drive in git objects i didn’t even know existed. cue a genuinely unhinged hour of “wait am i about to delete my own site”-panic before realizing github was the actual source of truth the whole time: cloning a fresh copy, and nuking the monster repo. lost an old commit history for a project that doesn’t even matter anymore. gained: a half terabyte back, and a real lesson that no tutorial ever could’ve taught me. RIP to whatever that repo used to be. it died so the curriculum could live, or whatever.
but if i’m being honest (and i said i would try to be honest here), that was kind of the whole point of starting this blogguerz — the git thing isn’t actually the mess i’ve been sitting with this week.
i seem to be split underneath with a sense of looming dread that half of me pulling towards that past-me feeling anxious that things are going to take a turn for the worse, that something awful is just waiting around the corner to jump scare me in such a way that it’s just waiting for the most opportune moment when i least expect it and yank the rug from under me. yet simultaneously, the one who seems to be actively at the wheel has no time for worry and is continuing to press on and push forward, cuz i know that that is just past-me trying it’s best to keep living. i should do the past-me a favor, let it die, cuz that wasn’t living, that was worse, it was just misery. this new-me is breathing new air, in a new headspace, a far better headspace, one that can actually smile again, laugh again, love again. so i’m going to keep doing what i’m doing and keep my eyes focused on what is currently breathing life into me: this 24-week roadmap and the goal of becoming a developer. and most importantly i need to remind myself to not only refrain from being mean and cruel to myself, but most importantly to be kind to myself, because i AM going to make mistakes, that’s just life. but i need to remember in those moments that that doesn’t and will never define the whole scope of who i am. it will just be a hiccup, a speed bump in the whole story. like a saying that i read which has never left me ever since that very first reading of it: “failure is never the end; it is simply just more data”
lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about who i used to be. not in a nostalgic way. in a “i genuinely do not recognize that person anymore and i’m not sure how to hold that”-type of way. there was a version of me that was stuck for a long, long time — deep in a fog, drowning in something that i can only call what it actually was: crippling depression. not the quirky sad-girl-aesthetic kind. the kind where getting out of bed was the whole achievement for the day. the kind where someday along the way, all of this, beyond life life, everything just stopped seized meaning anything, because there wasn’t a “someday” i could actually picture anymore. and the scary part isn’t that i wasn’t only fine with it; i came to accept that the idea that not anything would ever truly get a degree better, that all of this was just how things were going to be for the rest of forever…
yet now i’m here. cramming for a cert exam fueled by red bulls and spite. building a whole roadmap for myself with actual structure. and i am actually following through. laughing about accidentally nuking my own home directory instead of spiraling about it. this is NOT the same person. that person could NOT have done any of this. and some days, that gap between past-guerz and present-guerz and the guerz-i-am-becoming genuinely feels like the most hopeful thing to me in this world. other days it feels like grief for time i can’t get back. most days, if i’m honest, it’s both of those at the same. dam. time…
i don’t have a clean bow to put on that. i don’t think there is one. i think what you do is you just keep clearing out the dead weight – the bad git repos, the old versions of yourself that don’t fit anymore – and you keep going anyway. i am going to keep going.
cert exam this weekend. wish me luck. or don’t, just send good vibes, whatever you’ve got lying around.
EDIT: oh! i forgot to mention. please excuse any and ALL of the sloppy working progresslook of blogguerz. i have been speend the small bursts of time spent in between cramming for the cert exam on updating both blogguerz and guerz.lol throughout the week. so apologies for any amounts of choppiness you may encounter! i swear i am dillegently working on it! 😅
current mood: Guerz 🦁 feels brave
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