i am on my way to Spravato right now, and I cannot wait. It has been a week, which is apparently long enough for every loose thread in my life to decide it wants to become a noose.

I have spent the last stretch trying to keep a dozen things moving at once: housing uncertainty, paperwork, phone calls, a DMV trip, money pressure, and the slow, weird labor of trying to turn records into listings before the floor drops out from under me. I have been uploading to Discogs because I need to keep moving and because maybe—if the right person is looking—something sells. If you are looking at anything right now, yes: I am still adding records.

It is difficult to keep composure when the world and my life both feel like they are crumbling faster and harder. It is difficult to stay sane when every attempt to stabilize something turns into another complication, another wait, another thing that goes sideways. I keep trying to build a path forward, and then the path turns into a pile of forms, broken systems, missing documents, bad timing, and things I am apparently supposed to solve while acting calm about it.

I am not looking forward to the possibility of having to trash belongings, cut down what I own to almost nothing, and barely hold on to whatever survives the next part of this. There is something uniquely cruel about having to decide what parts of your life are worth carrying when you are already exhausted from carrying the life itself.

Last night got bad enough that I called 988. I am saying that plainly because pretending I am fine has not made any of this less real. I am trying to stay here. I am trying to not become the version of myself I fought so hard to get away from. I am trying to remain a person while everything around me keeps insisting I become only a problem to be processed.

And somehow I am still working.

I am still listing records. I am still trying to create income. I am still dealing with calls and documents and the practical machinery of surviving. I am still trying to make guerz.lol into something more useful, more direct, and more honest than a static little corner of the internet.

A new guerz.lol page

There is a new guerz.lol page coming. I want it to be a real field page: a place for the work in progress, the Discogs operation, the experiments, the writing, the systems I am building, and the parts of this life that do not fit neatly into a résumé or a cheerful update.

Not a polished success story. Not a fake “everything is fine” page. A page that says: this is what I am making while I am still here to make it.

Maybe it will be a place where the stuff I have kept alive counts for something. Maybe it will be a place where someone finds a record, a project, a useful idea, or simply proof that another person is trying very hard not to disappear under the weight of things.

Still here

Life has turned into complete shit. I do not have a clean ending for that thought. I do not know what else to say besides that.

People say, “We should be lucky because we’re alive.” I do not think I believe that automatically anymore. But I do know I am still here this morning. I am on the way to treatment. I made the call last night. I am still uploading records. I am still trying to make the next page, the next sale, the next hour, and the next version of my life possible.

For now, that has to count.

— Guerz