typing this from the waiting room before my spravato treatment, which feels like the exact right place to be writing a post like this.
let’s just get into it: i’ve been having fits of rage. actual fits. not “ugh i’m frustrated” — i mean eight holes in the wall in one night kind of rage. i’m not proud of it. my mom’s scared of me and scared for me, and neither of those sit well. but i’d be lying if i pretended it came out of nowhere. the eviction’s real. the warrant date came and went and now we’re just waiting on the sheriff’s letter to tell us how many days we’ve got. PayPal’s still sitting on five hundred and eighty-five of my dollars because they want a photo ID and my ID is in the fucking mail. every single thing i try to do runs into a wall that has nothing to do with whether i did the work right.
that’s the part that fucks with me most. it’s not that i’m failing. it’s that doing everything correctly still isn’t enough, and there’s no version of trying harder that makes a mail delivery show up faster.
so i’ve got all this energy and nowhere to put it. i’ve been pacing. bouncing a bouncy ball down the block. taking full laps instead of cutting across, on purpose, because cutting across means i didn’t burn anything off and the whole walk was pointless. restless as hell but zero motivation to actually do anything — and i mean anything. i had like a tiny bit of notes left to copy. not learning anything new. literally transcription. and i couldn’t make myself do it. that gap between “i have energy” and “i can start” is the most frustrating fucking place to be stuck.
anyway. some things actually went right, which feels almost rude to admit in the same post.
i made three sales on discogs. one for five hundred. one for eighty. one for a hundred and ten — folly, insanity later. that’s real money in a week where money has been the entire fucking problem. i’m relisting everything i’d moved to drafts because clearly the records don’t care how i’m feeling, they just sell when they sell.
if you want to dig through what’s up:
i’m also back on 24 hour streams. running them until we get evicted, at which point i guess we’ll figure out what streaming looks like from wherever the hell we end up. come sit in the background if you want, it’s mostly me studying and cataloging vinyl and occasionally losing my mind quietly:
took the photo up top around 6:50 this morning. orange sky doing that thing where it looks like the world’s on fire in a nice way instead of the way my life currently is. i wasn’t out there to take a picture, i was out there because i couldn’t sleep again. still. worth stopping for.
when i get home from treatment the plan is to study and get more discogs uploads done. that’s it. that’s the whole plan. small, boring, actually achievable — which is about the right size for this week.
current mood: pissed off, medicated, still standing
currently listening to: [fill in later]
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